When someone tells you something they are going through that is difficult, and you feel empathy for them, you may furrow your brow, squint your eyes a bit, sincerely feel something in your heart and say, “I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if there is anything I can do.” Then you my spend the next few hours or days reflecting about their circumstances. You may share their story with a close friend or family member. This will probably help you feel a bit better about it, having shared your concern. I invite you to try doing one active thing-something that may positively affect their circumstance.
When we go through something challenging we tend to be less objective and more likely to ignore the simple solutions. I know when I get a cold I often completely forget about drinking lots of fluids (which is really helpful) but if someone tells me they are sick I immediately remind them of drinking tea and lots of fluids. So, instead of saying “let me know if there is something I can do” try suggesting one or two specific things you can do. Your friend may not be objective in there situation and it really helps to hear even the simplest of suggestions out loud. Be aware not to lecture them that isn’t what I mean at all-just the basic loving things we all need to hear.
We are not clinicians and we should not diagnose, and the issue is not our issue, but we are connected. Our goal is in being effectively empathetic without becoming enmeshed or overly involved.
Effective Empathy is useful and helps to transcend our issues so we can move into more positive action. Inactive sympathy is inactive and can add to the stagnation of an issue. It also does not empower the recipient.
When my baby was born my husband needed to return to work after about two weeks. I was recovering as well as acclimating to parenthood. It was an intense time. My friend, Amy came over one day and helped me more than I could have imagined. Watching her sprightly bounce around my apartment in good health doing my dishes and my laundry gave me such hope that soon I too will have my life and energy back. She had been through an intense birth as well about a year before, and really understood what I was going through. She turned her empathy into effectiveness and I will always be grateful to her for that.
In Moroccan culture it is said that when you go to see a sick person-your presence itself helps them to heal quicker. It’s true! By being a healing presence to an ill person you are giving them the greatest gift of all-you! So next time you think you’d like to help in some way…gracefully insist on coming over to be with them. Remember many people are very stoic-myself included-when they are sick, so try to get past that. Respect their boundaries of course but don’t underestimate the power of being there for someone in need.
If they are far away, pray or send them healing energy. It seems obvious but how many times do we say, “you’re in my thoughts”…and then move onto something else. It takes time to really send your love and positivity. Pause and do it-it is active. At the end of the day you too will feel good having been effective with your empathy and there’s nothing wrong with that! Feeling effective is one of the best feelings in the world especially if it is in helping another.
3 comments - What do you think? Posted by
Kathleen -
January 10, 2012 at 11:23 pm
Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, challenges the idea that we’ll be miserable if we don’t get what we want. Our “psychological immune system” lets us feel truly happy even when things don’t go as planned.
The internet is filled with articles (including this website) with “tips.” “8 tips on…” “10 tips on…” It can be so easy to read through them in their entirety and either get overwhelmed or distracted because one tip leads to the next, then on to the next. Without integration in life there can be no true growth. The tragedy with all the information overload that is available nowadays is that we tend to miss the important stuff. We can buy self-help book after self-help book, but unless there is a genuine application of the material on a daily or weekly basis we are wasting our time, money and worse-our energy. The key with a tip is to make a commitment to do it no matter how you feel until it becomes a habit. After all you are adopting this tip to feel better or to get out of a rut so chances are you are not feeling so great when you begin. For example, cardiovascular exercise, we all know the many benefits of it, yet how many of us have bought cardio equipment for home use then let it become a coat rack over time? Gyms count on people buying memberships and not using them for this reason.
Here is a great mantra to try when feeling overwhelmed, “make it smaller.” With so many tips on a list, pick one! You clicked on the article for a reason right? Often by the time we get to the bottom of a wonderful list we are so over inundated with great ideas that they tend to cancel each other out. They can seem like tasks instead of tips, so just pick one or two that really ring true for you and your current lifestyle. Something you feel is do-able, even if it seems too easy or obvious. For example, with my article “ten stretches to do while at the office“ Choose an area on your body that feels tense and focus on that stretch for a while until it becomes a habit. If you really need to you can always go back and try some of the others later.
If you saturate your brain by the end of reading a list of tips so that you feel uninspired, you have simply wasted your time. Try scanning the list and simplify. See if the author’s advice really works over the long haul or if it is simply more information and not practical wisdom.
Try them all if you have time at some point then choose a few that really resonate for you and make them part of a daily/weekly practice, that way they will integrate into your life and you won’t even have to think about it. Making something a routine can be like having a touchstone that brings you back to your center. This way a “tip” can be something you “own”‘ inside yourself that you can build upon and find strength in rather than jumping from epiphany to epiphany with no deep learning and understanding.
Remember small increments over time tend to yield the best results and simplifying is not as simple as it seems.
The creation of the Slow Movement is refreshing. It’s great to hear it told from the perspective of a self-proclaimed recovered “speedster!” In this video, Carl Honore explores the concept of slowness and the many virtues of slowing our pace and connecting with our own inner-tortoise!
Journalist Carl Honore believes the Western world’s emphasis on speed erodes health, productivity and quality of life. But there’s a backlash brewing, as everyday people start putting the brakes on their all-too-modern lives.
When someone tells you something they are going through that is difficult, and you feel empathy for them, you may furrow your brow, squint your eyes a bit, sincerely feel something in your heart and say, “I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if there is anything I can do.” Then you my spend the next few hours or days reflecting about their circumstances. You may share their story with a close friend or family member. This will probably help you feel a bit better about it, having shared your concern. I invite you to try doing one active thing-something that may positively affect their circumstance.
