Effective Empathy
When someone tells you something they are going through that is difficult, and you feel empathy for them, you may furrow your brow, squint your eyes a bit, sincerely feel something in your heart and say, “I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if there is anything I can do.” Then you my spend the next few hours or days reflecting about their circumstances. You may share their story with a close friend or family member. This will probably help you feel a bit better about it, having shared your concern. I invite you to try doing one active thing-something that may positively affect their circumstance.
When we go through something challenging we tend to be less objective and more likely to ignore the simple solutions. I know when I get a cold I often completely forget about drinking lots of fluids (which is really helpful) but if someone tells me they are sick I immediately remind them of drinking tea and lots of fluids. So, instead of saying “let me know if there is something I can do” try suggesting one or two specific things you can do. Your friend may not be objective in there situation and it really helps to hear even the simplest of suggestions out loud. Be aware not to lecture them that isn’t what I mean at all-just the basic loving things we all need to hear.
We are not clinicians and we should not diagnose, and the issue is not our issue, but we are connected. Our goal is in being effectively empathetic without becoming enmeshed or overly involved.
Effective Empathy is useful and helps to transcend our issues so we can move into more positive action. Inactive sympathy is inactive and can add to the stagnation of an issue. It also does not empower the recipient.
When my baby was born my husband needed to return to work after about two weeks. I was recovering as well as acclimating to parenthood. It was an intense time. My friend, Amy came over one day and helped me more than I could have imagined. Watching her sprightly bounce around my apartment in good health doing my dishes and my laundry gave me such hope that soon I too will have my life and energy back. She had been through an intense birth as well about a year before, and really understood what I was going through. She turned her empathy into effectiveness and I will always be grateful to her for that.
In Moroccan culture it is said that when you go to see a sick person-your presence itself helps them to heal quicker. It’s true! By being a healing presence to an ill person you are giving them the greatest gift of all-you! So next time you think you’d like to help in some way…gracefully insist on coming over to be with them. Remember many people are very stoic-myself included-when they are sick, so try to get past that. Respect their boundaries of course but don’t underestimate the power of being there for someone in need.
If they are far away, pray or send them healing energy. It seems obvious but how many times do we say, “you’re in my thoughts”…and then move onto something else. It takes time to really send your love and positivity. Pause and do it-it is active. At the end of the day you too will feel good having been effective with your empathy and there’s nothing wrong with that! Feeling effective is one of the best feelings in the world especially if it is in helping another.
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How to Read “How To” and “Tips” Articles by Practically Simplifying Them
The internet is filled with articles (including this website) with “tips.” “8 tips on…” “10 tips on…” It can be so easy to read through them in their entirety and either get overwhelmed or distracted because one tip leads to the next, then on to the next. Without integration in life there can be no true growth. The tragedy with all the information overload that is available nowadays is that we tend to miss the important stuff. We can buy self-help book after self-help book, but unless there is a genuine application of the material on a daily or weekly basis we are wasting our time, money and worse-our energy. The key with a tip is to make a commitment to do it no matter how you feel until it becomes a habit. After all you are adopting this tip to feel better or to get out of a rut so chances are you are not feeling so great when you begin. For example, cardiovascular exercise, we all know the many benefits of it, yet how many of us have bought cardio equipment for home use then let it become a coat rack over time? Gyms count on people buying memberships and not using them for this reason.
Here is a great mantra to try when feeling overwhelmed, “make it smaller.” With so many tips on a list, pick one! You clicked on the article for a reason right? Often by the time we get to the bottom of a wonderful list we are so over inundated with great ideas that they tend to cancel each other out. They can seem like tasks instead of tips, so just pick one or two that really ring true for you and your current lifestyle. Something you feel is do-able, even if it seems too easy or obvious. For example, with my article “ten stretches to do while at the office“ Choose an area on your body that feels tense and focus on that stretch for a while until it becomes a habit. If you really need to you can always go back and try some of the others later.
If you saturate your brain by the end of reading a list of tips so that you feel uninspired, you have simply wasted your time. Try scanning the list and simplify. See if the author’s advice really works over the long haul or if it is simply more information and not practical wisdom.
Try them all if you have time at some point then choose a few that really resonate for you and make them part of a daily/weekly practice, that way they will integrate into your life and you won’t even have to think about it. Making something a routine can be like having a touchstone that brings you back to your center. This way a “tip” can be something you “own”‘ inside yourself that you can build upon and find strength in rather than jumping from epiphany to epiphany with no deep learning and understanding.
Remember small increments over time tend to yield the best results and simplifying is not as simple as it seems.
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Grief and the loss of a loved one
Grief is a very personal and painful experience. Whatever means we use to find solace in our time of grief is significant and should be valued. I lost my mother to breast cancer at the age of sixteen. It was, as one could imagine a great shock to us all. A friend said to me in a strange consolation “I don’t know how I (meaning herself) would ever get through that kind of grief.” I said in a very stoic way I’m sure, “You just do.” She then repeated my words which evidently struck her…”You just do.”As we drove away from the hospital after my mom passed away in my shock and grief, my greatest fear was that I would forget her: her face, her hands, her voice and eyes. I thought “well, now it’s been an hour since I’ve seen her. Someday it’ll be a year then five years, then ten!” Now, here it is twenty years this past August since I’ve seen her beautiful eyes in person. But here is the great, great thing about feelings, dreams, and yes, even grief. She is with me and I feel her – it may sound cliche or like my own fantasy hope but seriously, there have been several times where I had a dream of her and I woke up and I felt her presence-viscerally. This website is about listening to and honoring your senses and using your intellect to help sort through and deal with challenges we all face. Grief over a loved one is one of the biggest heartaches in our collective human experience.
I have tried to remove myself, to comprehend, even to get over this event but I know now that it is impossible. I’ve surrendered to that because it shapes every moment of your life after something like that happens. You no longer see people and the world in the same way. I really understand how fragile and impermanent this all is because I witnessed it first hand. My perception of time changed too. Most teenagers have an invincibility attached to their behavior-that was never a part of my viewpoint of the world.
A lot of stages in my life have been affected. Simple events many people take for granted like shopping for clothes with mom, graduations, marriage all had to be done with a great deal of autonomy. Questions like how can I bring someone else through childhood, there exists a deep seeded fear of doing this to someone else. That fear comes out of living with a strong thread tied to my original grief.
I love her artwork, it is somewhat Japanese meets Art Nouveau in style. There are so many canvases, they are so incredible and I don’t know what to do with them all. It’s a great task, they’re haunting me-they’re huge and amazing. That was her greatest gift to me was teaching me her attitude toward painting. There was never a mistake-you could fix any line or color that you felt was out of place and it can evolve into something else!
Now, my point about all this is that despite my terrible fear of forgetting her features, her voice and her presence that strange day, it never came true. I will never forget her-it’s simply impossible. I remember everything. I close my eyes and I see her eyes, beautiful smoky-green. I even remember how her energy felt like little bubbles, and I trust it. It is as real to me as anything.
We are in deed able to maintain our connection to ones we lose. We never forget a loved one. They are part of us, and even when we think of them and cry, it is a gift of memory. My friend was wrong, you never really “get through that kind of grief.” That would be unnatural in my experience. You need to cope in life of course, but to pretend that it has no lasting effect is not accurate. So, however you find solace in your time of loss and grief, embrace it.
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The Chakra System in Yoga
The practice of Yoga has gained an immense popularity over the last few decades. There are classes in gyms everywhere in small rural areas to cosmopolitan centers. Among the benefits of participating consistently in a well instructed class are good alignment, improved breathing and more spiritual connection (alignment through the Chakra system). This last part is often forgotten or completely overlooked because yoga is often represented as simply another form of exercise. Yoga means path or way. The practice of the Asanas (poses in yoga) are meant as a way to connect to one’s center, to source energy and spirit. Yoga is an ancient spiritual practice that effects your body, mind and spirit by practicing balance, strength and focus as we connect to the chakra system. The words Yoga and Chakra were taken over by a flighty new age perspective at one point -it is important to reclaim them as they are refreshingly structured and grounded. They are concepts that have been around for thousands of years and for good reasons.
Chakra means wheel in Sanskrit. Literally wheel of energy. The seven main chakras correlate directly to nerve plexus exit points from the spine to the rest of your body. An optimal structural and energetic alignment affects your whole body’s systems (nervous, endocrine, cardio-vascular etc). A brief explanation of the chakra system is to imagine the seven chakras as (depicted in the photo above). Now imagine earth energy winding its way upward to meet the heavenly energy which is in turn is winding its way downward to meet the earth. This creates the spin action of the chakra wheels. Earth and Heaven or the divine masculine and feminine merging in a constant dance. To create a good alignment for these energies helps us to feel the great vitality and peace we are meant to experience. Before I get too esoteric let me finish by simply stating that maybe this fantastic feeling is why yoga caught on so fast and furiously in the west!
I often find that it is the root chakra (first Chakra) in many people that needs awareness and nourishment. The root chakra-our “survival” chakra includes our money, food, and shelter the basic necessities. Without these, we do not have a strong foundation for the other aspects of our lives (the other chakras). It is very important to realize that the root chakra begins at the feet. To feel grounded (root chakra) draw energy up thru the center of your feet . Nourishing earth energy. (See posture article than come back to this). Feel the whole foot on the ground. Toes and all.
For further work and information, Anodea Judith’s many books and audio tapes on the subject of the chakra system are excellent.
So, next time you are in yoga class remember in each pose you are effecting one if not several or all the chakras. Learning about each chakras purpose from the root to the crown will make the practice much deeper and exciting and even more enjoyable
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